How I Make Work, Work
When the weight of it all feels too heavy, with another brilliant and anonymous friend who is taking a pause from paid work
I cried reading what my friend — mostly privately — endured earlier this year.
She had mentioned the idea of quitting paid work to release some stress and spend some time re-focussing her attention, but I never really knew just how heavy the weight felt until now. And it got me thinking, how many mothers and primary caregivers are walking around with their invisibility cloaks covering their stress and their sadness as they weave their way through the never ending maze of life, paid work and parenting?
And so, I asked her if she’d share her story of taking a pause from paid work to focus on her family. I am so glad she said yes, because there’s been a resounding theme coming through my DMs on Instagram: and that’s that, yes, while mothers are very often the most productive and time efficient hires a company will ever make, sometimes the pressure is too much. Sometimes we fall behind. Sometimes we can’t make work, work. And rarely will you hear the honesty that you’re about to hear.
Here, my brilliant friend generously shares it all: the breakdown that caused her to take pause, and what she’s looking forward to most while she takes a break from making paid work, work.
But before we get into it, it’d be remiss of me not to mention a few things:
Often, a mother who decides to dedicate her time to family life can be seen as anti-feminist or succumbing to the traditional family values that we are trying so hard to dismantle.
But as Neha Ruch from Mother Untitled has taught us through her work, we know that this simply isn’t the case. The friend that you’re about to hear from is a staunch feminist (which is of course, a compliment) who truly believes in 50/50 parenting and seeing women and people in the minority take a seat at every single table.
So, don’t diminish the mother who takes a career pause to anything less than her paid working counterparts.
She’s ambitious, but for now, her ambitions have changed.
Secondly, it would be easy to assume that this person is able to take a career pause because she has grown up with the sort of wealth that sends you to private schools and on trips to Europe and to a university of your choosing. This, also, is not the case and I think it’s important to note.
With all that out of the way and without further ado, please enjoy this deeply personal and moving interview — with some smart pieces of advice thrown in along the way — with my friend who, for now, is saying “f*ck that” to making work, work.
Please use three words to introduce/describe yourself outside of being a mother and career girlie…
Passionate, intense, fun.
Now, tell us about who you are as a mother and in business?
At my core, I am intense and passionate so that’s how I am as a mother and in business too.
As a mother, I am so full. Full of love, full of anxiety, full of rage, full of hope, full to the very fucking top with all of these exposed nerves and big feelings and I have such an appreciation for the overwhelming fullness and experience of the life I get to live because I get to be a mother. Full, full, full to the top and I am bursting at the seems and I fucking LOVE it.
In business I like to think I am hard working, creative and solution-focused. I love working in businesses where I can shape the overall strategy and focus of the business. I love interesting challenges to solve and I love working with people. The idea of something being impossible and breaking that apart and making it possible gives me a real thrill. I love new ideas and I love bringing them to life.
You recently decided to quit your job – before you did, can you tell us about the first time this thought crept into your mind and how you were feeling?
I have always fantasised about quitting and living a slow life, doing pilates and cleaning the house. But it was always a joke because I love work and I love using my brain. I NEED to use my brain.
When I was on maternity leave with my first, although it was quite short, I would get to the end of the day physically exhausted but mentally so awake because I hadn’t used my brain in a way that was challenging. Because of this, I thought I needed to work and that was that. I also enjoyed it as a break from motherhood for many years.
Jump to the last 12 months and that’s when the conversation became more real in my house. I was pretty stressed…trying to do my job well, make sure the kids were taken care of, make sure the house was okay, that I was seeing my family and my friends, make sure there was food on the table blah blah blah - you know it all, and I was just crumbling under the pressure.
Everything in our house became such an operations centre and I was really unhappy and not coping at all. I also want to note here that my partner and I both worked full time and both shared everything as much as we could. He was also very much struggling in his own ways because of the challenges we faced day in, day out.
And then what was the straw – when did you decide that this wasn’t serving you anymore?
I would like to say it was an AHA moment that was really beautiful, but honestly it was more of a mental breakdown at the start of this year. My oldest starting school hours was a huge challenge this year, as well as putting my youngest into daycare four days per week. We live in Rye and my partner commutes four days a week to his office in Richmond.
Every Sunday, we would plan out the week of drop offs and pick ups and meals and extracurriculars and work travel and neither of us were getting enough time at the desk for work. It felt good to be organised but it was also incredibly tense because we were looking ahead to a week of feeling like we were both losing.
Throw in sick days, no family to help (they don’t live close by), my partner being overseas for work and a few important deadlines for me within a two month period and I was just so torched by it all. My mental health became really bad, my relationships were impacted, I went to bed every night really ashamed of how I was parenting and I felt like I was failing at every turn in all aspects of my life.
I was constantly in tears on the go. I would get the kids ready in the morning and cry in the pantry, I would get my coffee after school/childcare drop off and see a few friends then get in my car, doing my best to hold on to the tears only to get around the corner and cry again on my way to go back to work.
I was losing it in between meetings, but I was turning up and making sure I was really ‘on.’ I was having anxiety attacks, then washing my face with cold water and heading to pick up, while doing my best to get them both in the car. Then I would cry on the way home in front of them. I would be calling my partner, constantly needing emotional support to just get through the day.
I was really volatile when he was home and I was always snapping at my kids. I just couldn’t do it anymore. At the time I didn’t realise that it was so bad, which is silly now. As I write this down, I am laughing at how blind I was to how bad it was.
I was constantly talking about wanting to quit and my husband has always said I can do whatever I want and we will work it out. So, we started talking about it more seriously and it made sense for me to quit and take some time off to heal a little bit and really connect with being at home and with the kids. It was clear my job wasn’t bringing me joy anymore, so that was making it all the more difficult.
For me work needs to:
1. Offer me flexibility for my family,
2. Challenge me mentally,
3. Have a positive social impact, and
4. Pay me.
In the past 12 months I really had to focus on how well I was being paid because it wasn’t meeting those other needs, so it made sense for me to quit. My husband loves his current job and so we decided I should take pause, and he would keep working. I am still not sure if this will last, but the break with no future plan is I think what was/is needed.
Did you do any specific self work to come to this conclusion?
I talk about things I want to do A LOT with literally anyone. So talking it out really helped, especially with friends who have also put their career on the back burner a little to focus on family.
I think that I am always very clear on my ‘why’. Why do I work, as it takes time from the kids, why do I work in that role and what does it need to give me, as well as what will I get out of it. So, those points mentioned above were really important to me, and I would suggest that everyone go through this process if they are deciding between who in the household may need to take a step back.
I think women often end up stepping back as the default, which is wrong and I do not support or accept it. In our situation and at this time, it made more sense but it may not make sense in the future.
So for someone considering pausing, I’d suggest looking at both parents and their ability to make change, not just the default.
You’re not on a small salary by any means – how much did the idea of a reduced family income halt you from making the decision? What has it taught you about our relationship with money?
This was a huge factor for being nervous about me being the one to take a step back. I was the higher income earner and working in the tech industry, the potential for income growth is huge. If we were to look forward another five years to what it would mean for our future financially, it would be pretty great.
But, I keep revisiting the four things I need from my work. I was just working for money and that is not something I value at the cost of my family’s happiness and my happiness.
I have since learnt I wasted a lot of fucking money as living on one wage certainly isn’t a breeze, but it’s also not impossible in our case, as I had previously thought.
What approaches are you taking financially to mitigate the change in family income?
Dreading this to be honest. We have done a budget and had A LOT of conversations about how we will live. We had big plans for the next 12 months and we got married last year, which was fun but also ya know, an expensive party.
We had planned to spend one month in Bali, to buy a house, and take six weeks in Europe. These things are bsolutely not essential and we have had to let go of those dreams for now. Even writing them out I feel silly. They are such an unnecessary grouping of things to do in a 6-12 months time frame. They’re just not important.
I am now in the process of combing through our outgoings (probably what everyone already does, I am bad at money he he): car insurance, private health insurance, internet, the list goes on, to make sure we are not overpaying in those areas.
I am doing grocery shops at multiple places (butcher, green grocer and Aldi) and being more generally conscious of our spending.
We are in what I feel is a lucky position now of renting and not having a mortgage: something that we were planning to change. This actually makes me feel a bit more secure, knowing that if something happened outside of our control, we could just move to a cheaper home without the stress of serving a mortgage.
What will change when it comes to sharing the load when you pause paid work? Have you had any conversations on what this will look like? What will stay the same?
My partner raised this with me recently. He is worried he will no longer get to help make decisions for our family. For example how we approach bedtime routines (yep, We are still working on getting our six year old to go to sleep alone), discipline, etc. We are both very clear that what we do Monday to Friday during the day is our job and outside of those hours we share the load.
With the extra time, I have taken on more housework and pickups and drop offs. I also do meal planning, grocery shopping and if the day is going well, I will do the cooking.
When he gets home from work he is all over the kids, so depending on what time he gets home he pretty much takes over what they need and then cleans the kitchen when they are in bed. After that we share any other things that need to be done.
In a lot of our discussions in the lead up, we were anticipating when I wrapped up at work I would probably crash, so the idea is to not put too much pressure on myself to do everything with the kids and at home perfectly.
What are you looking forward to most when you think of pausing paid work?
I jotted this down before I finished work: Not working at night, not being anxious, not checking emails while cooking breakfast, spending time with my kids, especially my two year old. Being there when my daughter finishes school every day. COOKING FOR MY FAMILY. Seeing my friends, having energy and hopefully, improving my mental health.
Now that I am finished the one thing I will add that has been INCREDIBLE and not what I considered was that I would be getting a genuinely good sleep each night without cortisol pumping through me. Previously I found my anxiety wasn’t allowing me to fall asleep without being completely exhausted and I would get maybe 5-6 hours sleep each night.
Now, I am getting 8+ hours of sleep and when our two year old wakes (which is still often), I get up to settle him and am so happy to do it, instead of thinking about being tired or how hard the next day will be.
And lastly, I think what you’re doing is amazing. I hope you’re proud of yourself.
QUICK FIRE ROUND
Describe motherhood in three words…
Messy, chaotic, heaven.
Navigating motherhood and paid work is…
For me, impossible right now.
The best way to help a new mum is…
Don’t leave her behind.
The best way to help a mum returning to paid work is…
Coaching her to build out ‘the plan’ that both her and her workplace are across for all of the realistic things that will happen.. sick kids, not making a deadline, not being able to go into the office sometimes, missing meetings, not completing a full day. When the curveballs come, which they will, she feel less – not more – stress.
If I could solve one problem for working mothers, it would be…
This question makes me feel helpless, because everything seems so small. Can I say the patriarchy? So we have a society that sees men and women as equal, so one person doesn’t have to sacrifice so much. She sacrifices her body first, then her mind. Maybe we could let the men sacrifice a little bit more to save our girls, you know?! But I don’t know how we do that without going back in time and undoing a long and dark history of oppression that continues today.
To get out of the door in the morning, I need…
To slow down and not feel the pressure of where I need to be, and what I need to do. We will get there, so I need to relax and when I do that, the kids will follow. (But also if I REALLY need to get us out the door, I need to pretend to be an actual dog. For some reason my kids listen to me as a dog, rather than me as a mum).
My biggest focus for 2024 is…
Cringing writing this, but I think it is really about healing and I think I will be doing that through nourishing myself and my family literally and figuratively…living out my values and what is important to me.
Thanks for reading How I Make Work, Work! I’m so grateful for your support and I’d love for you to share this piece or leave a comment.
And lastly, I’d like to end this piece with another incredible quote from Neha Ruch:
Love this. I am working part time after having had a decent career and struggling with the "should I not also have a title" vs "i love having the time for me son" and of course the "i really need to earn more money again". So helpful to read from other moms.