Is there a quiet revolution happening among grandmothers – mothers themselves – hanging up their unpaid caregiving boots?
Over 50 stories on the varying roles that grandparents - particularly grandmothers - are playing in the young families of today and how we feel about it.
As I write this mammoth essay, I’m reflecting on the fact that I’ve taken to Instagram for a Ready or Not poll more times than I can count. And while I’m always overwhelmed with the feedback, no one question has ever sparked as much response as this one:
The question was less about grandparents who offer ad hoc support and care, and more in relation to those grandparents – generally grandmothers – who offer weekly care.
And the response? Over 200 poll responses. Over 50 direct messages. And an incredibly diverse set of stories.
It’s something I’ve been thinking about for a while now; the rinse and repeat of free labour and caregiving via grandparents – mostly grandmothers – who as mothers themselves, have potentially already spent much of their lives doing the unpaid labour of caring for their children, only to do it again for their children’s children.
And my feelings towards it are paradoxical. On the one hand, my parents and my in-laws are important inhabitants in our village, and there is no denying that by spending time with and providing care to our child, they’re not only helping us financially and logistically, they’re also creating bonds with their grandchild. Put simply, they love spending time with our son and wouldn’t have it any other way.
And even using the term unpaid labour when we’re talking about our own parents feels a bit off. As one Ready or Not-er puts it:
“I understand why we use terms like ‘unpaid caregiving’, but sometimes these economic frameworks feel brutalistic when we are referring to long standing social and cultural arrangements of multi-generational care. It is far more common for multi-generational input to be the default than not, but we seem to have limited scope for both memory and geography in these discussions.”
Her words resonated: why am I treating grandparents as though they’re some sort of faceless interns that I’ve decided not to pay?
That’s one side of the coin, but on the other, I’m thinking about the conversations that we’re having all the time in Whatsapp groups, in mother’s groups, and on social media: that all mothers work and that for the most part, it’s going undervalued.
As The Memo recently put it in their collaboration with Parents Work Collective:
“According to The Workplace Gender Equality Agency, the cost of unpaid labour is the biggest sector in any country around the world, including Australia where it is worth about $650.1 billion. It costs women and families hundreds of thousands of dollars in lost income, lost super and lost pay rises. And even when we return to paid work, we’re taking on about 21 more hours of unpaid work than men per week. ”
It’s an argument that’s hard to ignore, and it’s hard to separate this from the equation when exploring a grandmother’s place in a care schedule.
I’d be lying, then, if I said that part of me doesn’t feel at odds with the fact that mostly grandmothers continue to do the unpaid labour of caregiving when our generation is trying so hard to dismantle the patriarchy and a woman’s role within it.
Sometimes, I feel as though I’m using and expecting hours of my mother and mother-in-law’s time while feeling angry that their generation had less choice when it came to motherhood and career.
But, just to quote one more Ready or Not-er, might these grandmothers be doing so in order to help their daughters fight that very same battle?
“My mum has explicitly said that she helps out with 'formal' childcare (ie. taking my daughter two days a week) in part to break the cycle of women being tied to the home and having to give up their ambitions. I couldn't afford formal childcare on my income, so if not for her I would have had to take an extended career break.”
It’s a fair point. With the cost of living so high, how might we keep mothers in the workforce without relying on their mothers?
Like all things motherhood, it’s an utter paradox.
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