Trigger warning: In the age of social media, everything in motherhood seems to be a trigger
So, why do we feel it? And how do we move past it? With psychologist Dr Pree Benton
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Here’s a list of things that I’m not proud to admit have triggered me when it comes to my mothering journey.
Actually, I take back the ‘not proud’ bit.
There’s some items on this list that I think are totally reasonable to be triggered by. Others, not so much. So why don’t I play a game of giving myself a verdict on whether or not I think my reaction is fair (HA! Way to stay in my own little safe echo chamber!) as I go?
But before I do, l think it’s worth noting that we’ve normalised the word ‘trigger’ in the age of social media. So I want to send my love to anyone who is moving through something that is — in the true definition of the word — triggering.
Now, let’s get back to the list:
When someone would tell me how chill my first child is. Then why do I find it hard? I would think to myself. Does this mean I can’t ever complain? I’m not sure you’d say he was chill when you see how many feeds he wants overnight! I’ve said this exact sentence to others — the “your baby is chill” thing. The intent is not ill. Yet still, it quickly makes you feel like someone’s taken away your right to ever talk about the hard stuff. (VERDICT: I’m on the fence about this one — is it them or is it me? We’ll never know. It probably depends on how it’s delivered).
“Maybe you just need to leave her to cry for a little longer then.” Uh, yep. Okay? I’ve either tried that, or it doesn’t work for me emotionally to do that. Either way, you saying that literally does nothing, but make me anxious. (VERDICT: Just don’t give someone advice about sleep — or anything to do with parenting, in fact — unless they literally ask for it. Most of the time, they just want to be heard and seen.)
My friend implementing a sleep routine that led their baby to sleep better. Look, to call this one a trigger is a bit dramatic. It’s not so much triggering as it is making me question why I do certain things then complain about others. Why couldn’t I just stay home and be disciplined? What right do I have to complain about a toddler that doesn’t sleep well if I’m not willing to sleep train? (VERDICT: This one’s all on me. Stop having a go at yourself. Everyone is bloody different.)
“Oh, you’re still breastfeeding are you?” someone close to me once asked me as I breastfed my 10 month old baby right in front of her. “Clearly,” I reply back, laughing, with my baby hanging off the tit. I was triggered by her question, but within that question, I realised she must’ve been triggered by watching me breastfeed, too. The anger dissipates and I try my best to be empathetic. (VERDICT: I’m giving this person a gentle guilty as charged, because I think I know what was behind it for them and I hold space for it. Still, maybe asking someone if they’re still breastfeeding while they are in fact breastfeeding is a little…pointless? Non?)
Literally any piece of content that says childcare isn’t great for our kids. Luckily, this triggers me less now. When I first saw this narrative play out in the media, I believed these people to be evil. Now? I think that part of their argument is right. If you deliver it in a way that doesn’t blame the mum wholly, I’m with you (CIAO ERICA KOMISAR, YOU CAN KEEP MOVING SWEETIE), but if you’re interrogating the for-profit childcare industry more broadly and the way in which we devalue the work of motherhood and parenthood while stripping away options for parents to choose to stay at home with their babies, I’m with you. (VERDICT: G’day to everyone who isn’t Erica Komisar or shouting the same message in the same tone).
There’s two recent episodes on Witching Hour — from the Ready or Not podcast that I co-host with my sort of cousin Loz — that come to mind when I think about the idea of being triggered by someone else’s choices in mothering. Unsurprisingly, they also happen to be two of the most popular episodes to date:
The first is in response to a recent Shameless episode, where co-founder and co-host Michelle Andrews opens up about the negativity she’s received in her DMs for returning to work (aka the Shameless podcast, which as a business owner is of course a small portion of her role) on what some would call the early side of things.
We unpack why some people feel the need to comment on this here:
The second is all about birth. Why is it so divisive? Why do we focus on what went wrong instead of setting pregnant people up to feel positive going into their birth by focusing on what went right? Who’s allowed to share their birth story at mother’s group? And are we hypocrites by rolling our eyes at perfect births while simultaneously saying we want to hear more positive birth stories?
This is one of our best episodes to date, if I do say so myself. Listen below:
As co-host of a motherhood and career podcast, I’ve mostly avoided the trope that it’s always women bringing other women down, because we know these problems run deeper than that. It’s the way the patriarchy has set us and our expectations on good mothering up, and social media seems to exacerbate our experiences with this type of division, because we can see the wars waged against one another at the click of a finger.
Yet still, there’s a truth that I cannot deny: this division between mums is something I’m seeing pop up a lot. And quite frankly, I’m a bit sick of it.
But, I don’t want to be negative. I don’t want to hate on us all, because really, we’re all doing our best. Instead, I’d like to do something about it. I’d like to help us all — help us understand ourselves and our world and where the divisive nature of mothering fits within it.
So, why do we feel triggered in motherhood? I could’ve trawled the internet and found some half baked answers, but instead, I went to psychologist and loyal Ready or Not listener, Dr Pree Benton, who specialises in mental health support for women (her website can be found here).
The rest of this article has been written by Pree and I cannot thank her enough for her incredibly helpful, supportive wisdom. The good type of women supporting women.
Why do we feel triggered in motherhood?
I think the key driving factor is patriarchal motherhood, which sets such unrealistic standards for mothers, so we constantly feel we aren’t meeting the standard in some way, or maybe we do temporarily but it’s unsustainable. This leaves us feeling unworthy as mothers, compounded with mothers and mothering being largely undervalued within our society. And if we feel we are unworthy, we feel that we aren’t accepted by our peers and society. That can leave us feeling shame, vulnerable and unsafe, thus “triggered.” It’s triggering our core beliefs about who we are and our value, which comes back (generally) to being loved, accepted, and safe, because as humans/mammals we need to be accepted by our pack to be safe.
Societally, we generally struggle to look at or expose ourselves to difficult or negative feelings, we shy away from acknowledging grief and disappointment. So when we feel triggered, there’s no acceptable place for those feelings to go, except usually to internalise them further, building on our shame. Or if it’s externalised, it can come out as judgment of another mum by making a negative or unhelpful comment (e.g. “just you wait” comments), and in the comments section on social media.. this creates a vicious cycle of feeling bad, then not being able to resolve those feelings in an acceptable or helpful way, so they build and build and further our belief that we are the problem.
Another important aspect is that mothers are overworked and under resourced; mothering is done largely in isolation and private. It’s hard work, even with support, but most mothers have very inadequate support, and are made to feel that they shouldn’t ask for it, or if they do, they are often met with “I’m too tired from my job” (e.g. from their partner), or “I’m too busy with my own schedule” (e.g. from grandparents).
So naturally they are tired, they are finding it all very hard and not as idyllic as the picture they’d painted in their head. Thus, when we see depictions of mothers who are seemingly “doing it all” seamlessly, always responding to their kids in a regulated way, going on holidays where everything looks smooth, it triggers this inadequacy of why am I struggling and they’re thriving? Again, we feel inadequate and like it’s just us having a hard time, when actually most people are struggling in their own way (even if the highlight reels aren’t showing it), and the whole system of patriarchal motherhood is built on making you feel it’s a you problem so that you don’t start to interrogate whether these structures and societal expectations are actually fair and beneficial, or if maybe they are harmful and need to be interrogated and changed.
There are so many paradoxes in the expectations on mothers - love every minute but speak up if you’re struggling, work like you don’t have kids and parent like you don’t work, breastfeed but not for too long, have a positive birth but it has to go a certain way, never say x, y, z, to your kids but just use your intuition.
It makes it crippling for mothers to ever feel like they’re doing it “right” because there is literally no one “right” way, despite all the information everywhere telling you that you must do mothering in a particular way. It’s a trap, there is no win-win. This can trigger us because we believe we have done the right thing, only to be flooded with information (on socials, books, from our peers, relatives, health professionals) that actually we haven’t done the ‘right’ thing, and thus triggers the belief we aren’t good enough as mothers.
How to move forward:
Recognising the perfect mother myth and where it is showing up for you, e.g. I’m feeling I’m not a good enough mother because…. And then interrogating that belief. What’s the hard and fast evidence for this? What’s the evidence to counter this?
Learning to be more comfortable with the difficult feelings that come up (i.e. being triggered) — learning how to notice them without getting drawn all the way into them, journalling about them, sitting with them and letting yourself have a cry or scream. Holding them in is what makes them stronger; letting them be felt helps them to naturally subside.
Practicing self compassion — as part of the 2nd point, self compassion helps us make space for the triggered feeling, recognise that it’s human to have difficult emotions, and instead offer kindness to ourselves in a moment of suffering, just like you would offer kindness to a friend feeling the same way.
Pushing back against patriarchal motherhood wherever you can — if you notice a friend talking about how they feel they aren’t doing good enough or how they were triggered, help them see the unrealistic expectations that are at play and contributing to how they feel. Similarly if a friend is judging another mum, repeat the same process. Mothers being caught in a judgment war with each other is the exact kind of distraction and self destructiveness that patriarchy motherhood relies on to keep it powerful.
This is why I deleted all my social media on maternity leave and went to the mother baby classes. I genuinely feel that no one has ever been critical face to face even when saying things that online may be ‘triggering’. I think we have a mentality in our culture that we need to offer advice that ‘fixes’ things when actually we just want someone to empathise with what we’re finding difficult, that’s what I keep in mind when other mums offer opinions. It’s usually in good faith. Also if you have the opportunity to have the face to face discussions even if it’s a load of tosh you might sometimes get a little gem of advice that’s useful! X
One of the questions I hated most was when someone would ask “is he a good baby?”
Excuse me? He can barely see, can’t communicate, and doesn’t yet possess the ability to make voluntary movements but we’re going to label him as good/bad based on how quiet and sleepy he is???